It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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