...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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