I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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