This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
