Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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