If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
