It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
