am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i love accidental penises.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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