New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
