Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
