just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
