you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
