You just made me feel so damn special
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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