awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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