New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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