She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
