i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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