you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
