i think i have herpe
just one?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
two words...techno handjob
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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