Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
