If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
