FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
