Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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