you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
