I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
