put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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