just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My balls are so social today.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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