I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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