all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
