Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
