he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize