I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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