can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
