This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
