he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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