fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
