Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
