Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
