just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize