So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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