My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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