Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize