I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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