Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
