I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
