I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So squirting runs in the family.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize