is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
