I will die if light touches me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
