he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
