even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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