Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
