glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
