I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize